Grasping for normal

If ever you think to yourself “I wish my life wasn’t so normal,” think again. There have been 2 recent times that I have screamed for normal. The first time (and this one lasted a long time) was during the biology project at work. It seemed like the never ending project. I guess it kind of was. I just kept hoping for a normal work day, where I would do into work, do my work, and come home from work to have dinner, play with the dogs (and the cats), watch some TV, and go to bed. Sound boring? Sure, but I didn’t get a lot of that during biology. Eventually the biology project slowed down (it’s not really done yet, but that’s another story), and it seemed that I might get more of the “boring.” Then came the current situation.

So this situation has taken me from normal again. Last week when I was struggling with the chemo-induced fatigue, I was completely “sick” of being on the couch. The couch was something that I craved during biology but now I dread the couch time. Oh sure, I still sit on the couch and watch TV. The last few days I’ve done other things to ensure that the time on the couch was well deserved. I’ve managed to hit the treadmill (albeit just for a fast walk), played softball (I was pretty busy in left field), played basketball (got there late, but got some good playing time), and tonight I worked out with Zoi (the Columbus women’s Ultimate team).

As I type this I’m super aware that I am in need of a shower, but part of me wants to enjoy the feeling. I feel like I’ve done some good things for my body and I smell like it too. I don’t want to wash that away for fear that I won’t feel this for awhile. It’s a strange fear that I have—when I’ve had a treatment and when I’m recovering from a treatment. It’s the fear that I’ll be down and out (my terminology for the “bad” time after chemo) forever. I think this week I’ve had something click in my head that is telling me to do. OK, I can’t really run around like crazy—I’m pretty out of shape. But I know that I can go do stuff and it’s good for me to do so. Sure I have to worry about low blood counts and the like, but one step at a time. One treatment at a time.

It’s been a good week.