Fatigue

fa·tigue n.

1. Physical or mental weariness resulting from exertion.
2. Something, such as tiring effort or activity, that causes weariness: the fatigue of a long hike.
3. Physiology. The decreased capacity or complete inability of an organism, an organ, or a part to function normally because of excessive stimulation or prolonged exertion.

I think the definition of fatigue is interesting. All of the above relate to activity or exertion causing the fatigue…sort of that “wear and tear” idea. I can honestly say that I haven’t done any activities or exerted myself lately. In fact since Monday, I’ve been barely able to put a run of 5 minutes together on my feet. I’ve managed to teach my class twice, and I’ve made it into work for a few hours at a time. But seriously—I’m not even sure I can put into words how it feels…this thing they call fatigue.

I know tired—I’m an Ultimate player. I’ve pulled all-nighters, I’ve had runs of sleepless nights because of work…but this is crazy. It’s the weakness that one feels post-fever, but without the aches that come with a fever. And when my body is really trying to shut me down, it actually cries from the inside. I can feel my inner being (whether that means my cells/tissues or whether that means my soul, I don’t know) yelling at me. I get breathless just trying to have a conversation.

Sleep helps, most definitely, although it’s not always easy to fall asleep. My MIND knows that I’ve had “enough” sleep, so it doesn’t want to shut down. But my body has its own mind for now. And I have to say that really pisses me off. I know it’s a control thing, and all along I have been trying to control this—at least how I handle THIS. I have to give up some of the control right now, or at least I have to find a different way to take control. This week, I took control by deciding that I couldn’t go on a trip to California for work. I hated having to admit that. At the beginning of the week, I figured each day would get better. Perhaps each day has, but I can’t tell that yet. So instead, I’m staying put. I’ll do what I can with each day, I’ll hang out with friends, perhaps I’ll try and enjoy a good cup of coffee (I have been missing that). And I’ll spend some time telling my inner self that it’s fine to be angry at me—I’m angry at it too. Perhaps we can come to an agreement to fix the situation.