Halfway?

Treatment number 4—check. It’s a little hard to “talk” about—there’s that weird inside feeling that is indescribable, although I will say it makes me feel ill in some way. This has definitely been the roughest so far. I thought at first that I might slide through. Monday and Tuesday weren’t so bad. But by Tuesday evening, I was “hurting,” and have been ever since. Perhaps the onset of the fatigue is just coming later. Perhaps it’s just different because my body has been poisoned now for the 4th time with the same drugs. Hard to say. Definitely hard to talk about.

I had my first appointment today with the genetics counseling office. It was mostly about background stuff—family history so they can build a pedigree. Interestingly, it seems pretty one-sided. Dad’s side is kind of “missing” in terms of detail—I don’t know a lot about aunts, uncles, cousins of his. But it’s also missing in terms of women. Given that, it is entirely possible that one of the major genes that is identified as defective in breast cancer has been passed down on his side. The nurse actually told me there is a correlation with one of the breast cancer genes and prostate cancer. I had a hunch, but that’s the scientist in me. So I’ve signed on to have some DNA analyzed. They don’t yet have a sample—insurance has to be submitted and the like. The hope is that I test “positive” for a defective gene—so that the future of my health planning can be determined. If I come up negative, the decisions get a little harder. Is it worth the risk to NOT have a mastectomy (or a double mastectomy) or to leave my ovaries in place if I don’t have defective genes? I can say right now, I don’t want to have to go through chemo again—but this is the bad week. I guess when it comes to chemo there is no good week.

That pedigree—it was interesting. I had to make the connection that my dad’s brother married my mom’s sister. It makes an interesting connection for the pedigree, and could prove insightful for my cousins, should I have defective genes. It might help them to get better health screening down the road…at least I hope it would help them. And of course mom’s side is huge. I think I remembered everyone.

So if I am defective, or have a variant (a defective gene they don’t yet understand), I can again enter the research world. There are a few researchers here at Ohio State and at the Mayo Clinic that would be interested in my DNA. I guess that’s one way to get back into research. Of course I would want to go in and do the analysis myself, but I guess they can’t let that happen…I’ve probably been away from it for too long…

I guess all in all the meeting today was interesting. I’m 38 and I have the opportunity to determine a major portion of how I handle my healthcare for the rest of my life. Not just getting check ups—but removing parts that could cause later problems. Now that’s not making big decisions…

For what it’s worth, what hair I have left seems to like to grow. I need a hair cut again.

Heading into Number 4

OK, so it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I guess when it comes to the topic of this blog, that’s a good thing. It means I’ve been too busy to blog, which means that I’m doing stuff—fun stuff.

I go in tomorrow for the 4th and final of what I call the BIG treatments. The triple cocktail of chemo drugs comes to an end. I can’t say for sure what the next 12 weeks (that start on June 23rd) of treatment will hold, but they say it will be easier. I guess as long as the treatments don’t knock me out for 4-5 days, things will be easier.

I do still enjoy the 2 good weeks. I recently helped out at the UPA College National Championships—that were held here in Columbus over Memorial Day weekend. The tournament was a blast. Admittedly, I haven’t had my hands (or any other body parts) much in the college Ultimate scene. I have friends and teammates that coach (Yay Meems and MarMar!), and of course with my involvement in the UPA, I usually know a little about what’s going on—but this experience was really enlightening. Once I got passed the “work” part of the weekend (I was head scorekeeper and worked through all of it), I was able to watch some. I had no idea how far the college scene has come, in terms of talent. These kids are good. And it was amazingly fun to watch, despite the streakers during the women’s semi-finals. And I managed to get a little color on my noggin…

I gotta say that not having hair has been pretty great. Sure heads turn and people wonder about my gender. But the latter has happened over the last several years anyway due to my gender-neutral attire. Apparently last night at softball, a little girl was overheard repeatedly asking f I was a man or a woman…and finally she said, “the bald one—is that a man or a woman?” I can understand her concern—she was watching her mom play in a women’s softball game. I’d be concerned too. But wow it is nice being able to cool off so easily. Just a little water and poof, I’m cool. Not to mention the lack of prep time in the morning. Mind you I still shampoo, and I even got a hair cut last weekend. It needed a little clean up—what’s there seems to still grow a little. I guess I’ll get to keep it this way for the summer…until then next 12 weeks are over. After that, I’ll just see what sprouts and go from there…

So I head in to this last one, a little hesitant. It is getting a little harder to mentally prepare for the treatments, which makes me wonder how I’m going to do it weekly come the end of June. But I am sure I will find a way—and the support of friends and family will certainly take me a long way. I came home last night to a freshly mowed lawn. I didn’t do it—I was off having my gender questioned at a softball game. People can be really great. I’m glad I’ve had this opportunity to see that human-kindness has not been lost completely. Just ask, and I can give you a long list of folks that show it to me everyday.

Stephanie and I on opposing teams...the sun is blinding in left field...

Sarah's hit brought me in from third. No, I'm not that sweaty--we had gotten rained on...

I'm not sure that I hit this one too far--but I still got something left...

This is the sea of 31,900 people that ran/walked The Race for the Cure on Sunday. It was a record crowd (apparently). Is it proper to ask "Who won The Race for the Cure?"

3 out of 4

I’m 4 days out from the 3rd chemo. 3 out of the 4 big ones are done. Whew. It’s again a little worse—in terms of the fatigue—but I knew that would be the case.

Mom was in town for a long weekend—it was so incredibly great to see her. We had brunch with Beth’s parents Saturday morning (LOVED Judy’s coffee cake!). Saturday night was the cookout—planned so mom could also meet some amazing people. And wow did she. I had no idea that the turn out would be so great. I wasn’t involved in the RSVPs, so I didn’t realize who was coming. I’m glad that I was still on a steroid-induced energy high so I could enjoy it all. Mom did too—as did everyone (I hope). I still cannot believe how friends can make such an impact. Knowing people are out there that care is enough to get me through the next couple of down days. You guys ROCK!

This past treatment went A-OK. I still get a little feeling in my chest going in—can’t quite explain it, but it is sort of a negative association deal. I have it much stronger right after chemo (ie. NOW), but it does subside before the next one. I hope that trend continues. After the 4th of these big ones, I’ll get 3 weeks off before we change over to the Taxol and Herceptin. The Taxol is a breast cancer-specific chemo drug and the Herceptin is actually an antibody. It’s geared to attack proteins that are on the surface of the cancer cells. So I’ll be down to 1 chemo drug instead of 3 each treatment, but I’ll get to go in every week. I’m hoping that the side effects—as predicted—will be less severe, else it’s likely to be a long 12 weeks.

OK. Maybe not much of an update, but the brain is doing its usual slow down. I’ll try and get something up here again soon…

The "Fancy" doo-rag was a hit! Very comfy... 

Thanks...for being there. 

Mom and I...it was wonderful to have her around for the weekend! 

Apparently I need to be eating something when I'm at chemo...this time it was a brownie--provided by the nurses. 

Grasping for normal

If ever you think to yourself “I wish my life wasn’t so normal,” think again. There have been 2 recent times that I have screamed for normal. The first time (and this one lasted a long time) was during the biology project at work. It seemed like the never ending project. I guess it kind of was. I just kept hoping for a normal work day, where I would do into work, do my work, and come home from work to have dinner, play with the dogs (and the cats), watch some TV, and go to bed. Sound boring? Sure, but I didn’t get a lot of that during biology. Eventually the biology project slowed down (it’s not really done yet, but that’s another story), and it seemed that I might get more of the “boring.” Then came the current situation.

So this situation has taken me from normal again. Last week when I was struggling with the chemo-induced fatigue, I was completely “sick” of being on the couch. The couch was something that I craved during biology but now I dread the couch time. Oh sure, I still sit on the couch and watch TV. The last few days I’ve done other things to ensure that the time on the couch was well deserved. I’ve managed to hit the treadmill (albeit just for a fast walk), played softball (I was pretty busy in left field), played basketball (got there late, but got some good playing time), and tonight I worked out with Zoi (the Columbus women’s Ultimate team).

As I type this I’m super aware that I am in need of a shower, but part of me wants to enjoy the feeling. I feel like I’ve done some good things for my body and I smell like it too. I don’t want to wash that away for fear that I won’t feel this for awhile. It’s a strange fear that I have—when I’ve had a treatment and when I’m recovering from a treatment. It’s the fear that I’ll be down and out (my terminology for the “bad” time after chemo) forever. I think this week I’ve had something click in my head that is telling me to do. OK, I can’t really run around like crazy—I’m pretty out of shape. But I know that I can go do stuff and it’s good for me to do so. Sure I have to worry about low blood counts and the like, but one step at a time. One treatment at a time.

It’s been a good week.

Not your normal posting...

I started to write a post last night and lost my train of thought. That's not uncommon, I'm finding, during the week after treatment. Apparently these drugs are similar to alcohol in their ability to knock out brain cells. Let's just hope it's not permanent.

The thing I most wanted to post on was the yet unnamed lymph node. IT'S GETTING SMALLER! On a whim I gave it a poke last night, and wow, I can tell the difference. Holy lymph fluid Batman--the drugs aren't just to make my mind go numb and my hair fall out!! Progress is being made!! And I got the weekly blood-draw today. White blood cells are hanging tough, but falling. I expect that next week I'll be back on antibiotics. Bring on the green leafy vegetables!!

OK, there's the mohawk... 

So I got another chance to play with the hair. Decided against the mohawk, but I did have it for about 3 minutes! 

Chemo--the saga continues

OK, so it wasn’t Jenn’s driving. After the first chemo, I drove with Jenn, Jane, and Adrienne out to DC to see Kerri. On the drive out, I didn’t do so good, but that doesn’t surprise me when I’m in a car that I’m not driving. [Haven’t I mentioned this scenario before?] In any case, last night after the second round of chemo, I felt some of the nauseousness that was there after the first round. It was totally bearable, and again, the oral meds they give do wonders.

I’m doing OK today—went to the OSU spring game, which in and of itself is a weird event. TONS of Buckeye fans swooped into the Shoe to watch Ohio State play themselves. Scarlet v. Gray, or Red v. White according to the head umpire. It’s just odd—who do you root for? In any case, it was a gorgeous day and the grass of the field was green. They expected 40,000 fans, they got almost 64,000. But I digress.

I spoke with Dr. Yadav (you may remember him as the poison doctor). He said that with the remaining treatments, I will likely see the fatigue increase, but not the nausea and vomiting. Good—I’ll take being tired over puking any day. And the 2 pieces of good news: my white blood cell count was back in the normal range, and the doc noted that the legendary lymph node was smaller. BAM, take that you cancer ridden life saver. Hm. I haven’t named it yet (recall the tumor is Fred). Nothing comes to mind now, so I’ll have to think on it.
In any case, I’m now half way through the rugged first half of treatment. In other words, I’m half way to the easier part. I’m just going to keep on keeping on in the mean while.

Beth kindly went and picked up Dairy Queen during my second chemo. I'm not sure the other patients liked it so much, but I'm not sure if it's because they were jealous, or if it was just completely unappealing to them. 

Take a look at the sides of that doo! This is going to require some serious maintenance. 

Be careful what you ask for

OK, sure a few days ago I was seemingly complaining that the predictors of the start of alopecia (loss of hair) were wrong. No, I wasn’t complaining that I wasn’t loosing my hair (Dan :) ). I just think that when one is getting ready to experience something completely foreign, any insight comes in handy. And when that insight fails to prove itself, it’s disconcerting. I knew that it would fall out—it is more rare for it not to fall out. But I had mentally prepared for day 14, and on day 14 (and on day 17) it didn’t happen. It is sure as heck happening now.

It’s been thinning for the last week or so, and showers and head-rubs have been an adventure. The last 2 mornings, I have awoken to major “holes” in the sides—where my head rubs the most on the pillows. And today, it looks down right sad. I think the next step will be to take the clippers to it without a guard at all. That way there’s no question that I really don’t have hair (what is still attached needs assistance to fall the rest of the way out, and I don’t really have time to sit down and pull it (painlessly) out).

I think my leg hair is less “loose,” but I think that’s only because I made it through the 3 weeks between chemos without completely losing it. I suspect that since I just got another treatment yesterday, it will come out more gracefully now.

Day 17

Strangely, I still have my hair. By all means I shouldn’t, or at least one would think not. I guess that “day” doesn’t fall on the same day post-chemo for everyone. Perhaps it’s because what I do have on my head isn’t heavy enough (ie. long enough) to fall out. Heck, maybe I just ain’t going to completely lose it. Whatever. I am still getting chemo, and I still might have to wear a hat on my head at night when the temperatures dip.

Things have been relatively quiet this past week. My body has been doing seemingly just fine. I still feel a semblance of fatigue, but nothing like a couple weeks ago. Figures—I get my next treatment Friday. Well, maybe. I found out today that my white blood cell count is low—lower then the normal range. I have antibiotics to take when this happens, but if the counts don’t go up or if I get an infection, Friday’s treatment will be out. Sometimes I am amazed at all of the things that factor into all of this. Every weird twitch, every new ache…makes me wonder “is it the chemo?” I wonder if I will think like that for the next six months.

I think this is the lull before the next storm. It is a good sign, though, that I have gotten some “good” time in between. I’ve been told that the side effects more or less repeat in the same pattern. But I was also told that my hair would fall out on day 14. It’s day 17.